


"I lied."

by piningbisexuals



Category: HIStory2-越界 | HIStory2: Boundary Crossing (Web Series)
Genre: Break Up, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, the first chapter is depressing but the second one fixes it :)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-07
Updated: 2019-07-03
Packaged: 2020-04-12 04:49:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19124923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/piningbisexuals/pseuds/piningbisexuals
Summary: One time Zi Xuan and Yu Hao tried to save their relationship and failed, and one time they succeeded.





	1. I lied

**Author's Note:**

> All of my work is available on tumblr @ piningbisexuals :)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One last night of love between Zi Xuan and Yu Hao, after an awful break-up.

3 months. 3 months had passed since he last saw Yu Hao in person.

He looked good, as always. Zi Xuan didn’t know if it was the truth or his insecurities playing with him, but he seemed over him. That thought made him shiver.

You see, Zi Xuan and Yu Hao had been high school sweethearts.

Yes, it was pretty cliche and boring, but it was the truth. They had started out disliking each other, but then Yu Hao had joined the volleyball team Zi Xuan was coaching and the rest was history.

Fast forward many years, and they had broken up. Zi Xuan thought it was ridiculous that they had dated for 4 full years just to break up out of nowhere.

Well, it hadn’t been out of nowhere, exactly.

You see, Zi Xuan had been a really good volleyball player, the kind that would’ve gone pro after high school.

But, as fate is known to be malicious, Zi Xuan had ended up hurting his knee before his dream could be realized.

It still hurt, all these years later, looking at his butchered knee, feeling it cramp up at any given moment, having a nostalgia trip… especially now that he was alone, Zi Xuan missed those times even more.

At the time, while being the most devastated he’d ever been, Zi Xuan had still decided to continue being on the volleyball team, as a coach this time.

In time, he had learned to make peace with his fate, and decided to pursue an Information Science and Sports Health double major in university.

It was at that time that he had met Yu Hao, and they started dating a few months before he was off to university.

Ever since, Yu Hao had released his full potential as a volleyball player, which meant pursuing it in university in the hopes of becoming a professional.

Zi Xuan still remembers the talk they had, when Yu Hao had decided what he wanted to do:

“ _There’s nothing else I see myself doing… but if you’re not okay with it, I will choose another path.” he had declared._

“ _Yu Hao, I’m okay with it,” he had answered. “More than that, if you don’t pursue this I will kick your ass!”_

In his defense, Zi Xuan wasn’t lying. He was just in pure denial. He hadn’t thought that he would feel like a viewer, watching his boyfriend succeed in his dream career, the one he’d ruined for himself.

It was something he had realized as the years passed, when he saw Yu Hao becoming more and more successful while he was left in the dust.

In the last few years, Yu Hao had became his whole world. Zi Xuan had always been a more introverted person and hadn’t made any real friends in university.

He also started drifting away from his high school friends. His old volleyball team had forgotten about him and even Cheng En had found himself a new best friend.

For four years, Yu Hao had been his anchor, his rock, which had made things difficult when he got drafted into the national volleyball team.

It was crazy, him being drafted in the national team. He had been part of the regional team since his first year of university, which had already been pretty amazing.

But the national team was what had made them sink.

Zi Xuan had started his last year in university when Yu Hao had announced that he was selected in the national team.

Zi Xuan hadn’t believed him at first, but the way his boyfriend was excited, like he had never been before, had been enough to convince him.

They celebrated the whole night with expensive champagne and mind-blowing sex, but, after Yu Hao had gone to sleep, Zi Xuan realized it.

He wasn’t okay with Yu Hao pursuing a career in volleyball, becoming better than he ever was, joining the regional then national team. He wasn’t okay with him living the dream he could never have.

He wasn’t okay in general.

After that day, things started degrading pretty fast. Zi Xuan had become absent, looking in the distance most of the time, barely smiling or laughing, going through the motions.

Yu Hao had asked him if he was depressed, one night, and he had said: “It’s you. You make me feel sick.”

The hurt on his boyfriend’s face had made him feel better for a few seconds, satisfied with having hurt him the way he hurt him every day.

Yu Hao had stormed out of their apartment, and came back the next day, hugging him softly and apologizing again and again.

Since the night before, guilt had taken over Zi Xuan. He regretted hurting the one he loved so badly, and accepted his apology as quick as he could to get him back.

They had completely ignored that unresolved fight for months.

Yu Hao had dropped out of university to pursue his career, and was training really hard with the rest of the national team, which meant that he had less and less time for Zi Xuan, who was still being distant while also hating his boyfriend’s absence.

It had taken 5 months into Yu Hao’s training to break up. It had happened the night Yu Hao had an afternoon off and prepared a delicious romantic dinner to rekindle their love.

In a cruel twist of existence, seeing the whole table set up with candles and flowers had made Zi Xuan cry.

“Zi Xuan… what’s going on?”

Instead of answering, the worried tone in Yu Hao’s voice only made him cry more.

He felt his boyfriend’s arms embrace him in an effort to calm him down, and after many minutes of gasping for air and loud sobbing, Zi Xuan mentally, emotionally and physically was able to say:

“Yu Hao, I’m so unhappy with you.”

It was enough to make him cry too, which made him go back to his sobbing state.

“What did I do? Tell me what I did, I’ll fix it!” announced Yu Hao, holding him still in his arms, eyes and nose a watery mess.

“I can’t spend one more minute seeing you leading the perfect life I had hoped for myself,” admitted Zi Xuan.

The look of betrayal on his face was enough to sober him up.

“You said you were okay with it.”

“I lied.”

 

 

It had been Cheng En’s idea to reunite their old volleyball team for a party, in order to remember the good old times.

Zi Xuan hadn’t planned to go there, until Cheng En had let on that Yu Hao would be there, which had made him change his mind in a second.

Since he was single, Zi Xuan had realized that he was truly alone.

He had known that Yu Hao had become his only friend somewhere along the relationship, but it was only when he was gone that he’d realized that he had pushed everyone out in order to make Yu Hao the center of his world.

His relationship with Cheng En was nowhere as close as it used to be, he barely talked with his sister anymore, and had not hung out with a friend in literal years.

On top of his newly discovered loneliness, the break up had been insanely hard on him and his grades had started to drop slightly… on his last year of school…

He had made small talk with a few people but the only thing he could focus on was Yu Hao, the star of the party. Everyone was circling around him, listening to his every words, laughing way too hard at his jokes, like he was godsend.

When Yu Hao had nothing to say anymore and the crowd continued the discussion without him, he finally looked at Zi Xuan, and gave him a small smile.

Zi Xuan had to return the favor, and, as Yu Hao was dragged back into the conversation, realized that he had nothing left to do here.

He had seen Yu Hao, he had been acknowledged, they had smiled at each other. That was even more than he expected to get.

Feeling satisfied, Zi Xuan decided to get the hell out of there after a quick trip to the bathroom.

He should’ve expected Yu Hao waiting for him outside of the bathroom, a shy look plastered on his face.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” he responded, hearing his voice crack.

They were talking. They were standing less than a meter away from each other. Zi Xuan couldn’t believe his eyes.

“I… just wanted to ask you how you are?” Yu Hao sounded nervous, which he hadn’t been around him since before they started dating.

“I’m fine,” he smiled softly, “What about you?”

“I’m okay. To be honest, I think I’m gonna go. I feel uncomfortable at this party,” Yu Hao admitted.

“Well, I was actually going to go too...” he responded.

“Oh. Okay. Well, how do you go home?”

“I’m taking a taxi.”

“Let me drive you.”

He was definitely crazy to accept. But he was a little too drunk from all the whiskey he’d ingested to avoid talking to people at the party, and still definitely in love with Yu Hao.

Each minute that passed in the silent car made him regret breaking up with him a little more.

Through his clouded mind, all the bad parts of the relationship were disappearing. He only remembered the good moments, the love that was between them.

He wondered if Yu Hao remembered them too, instead of their last months together. Their beginning had been glorious, while their end had been a car crash in slow motion.

They arrived at his room, and, as his drunken state made him struggle to open the door, Yu Hao got out of the car and opened it for him.

“What are you doing?” he asked, mouth dry.

“You’re too drunk. I’m getting you to your apartment.” he answered, as if it was normal.

If they were friends, or even acquaintances, it would be normal. But they were ex-boyfriends, and had lived in that apartment he was taking him to for 2 years. They also hadn’t talked for 3 months and had broken up in a pretty awful way…

Thank god, their apartment’s building had an elevator, and, as he was searching for his keys, he looked over at Yu Hao who whore a darkened look on his face.

“You can go, I’m fine,” he said, “Thank you for bringing me home.”

Instead, the boy ignored him, fishing out his own keys from his back pocket and opening the door, while Zi Xuan was still looking in his backpack.

He had forgotten that Yu Hao had never given back his apartment key, just moving out the day after their break-up while he was in class. Zi Xuan hadn’t tried to contact him, and neither did he.

“Thanks,” Zi Xuan whispered, a little embarrassed. He should tell him goodbye, and go his separate way, probably forever that time.

“Do you… want some herbal tea? I definitely need some, to sober up.” He joked.

“That sounds good,” Yu Hao smiled.

He put too much sugar in his own tea, feeling way too nervous and drunk to focus. Yu Hao and him sat down on the small table they used to eat all their meals together on.

It felt so awkward, but Zi Xuan could only blame himself, inviting him inside.

“So… how’s the training going?” he finally asked, to put an end to the awkward silence.

Yu Hao looked surprised, as if he didn’t think Zi Xuan could even talk about his career, but he could. In fact, the break up had served one purpose: he wasn’t seeing the life he’d wanted to happen to himself happen to the one he loved most right under his nose anymore.

That pain had been lessened, while a bunch of others had risen from Yu Hao’s absence. Zi Xuan didn’t know if it was more painful to be with Yu Hao or without him.

“Hum… it’s been exhausting. But the team members are very nice and made an effort to make me feel at home.” Yu Hao answered, still hesitant.

“Do you have any big match coming?”

“Not before a few months.”

“I saw your friendly match on tv. It was pretty cool.”

He shouldn’t have said it. It showed he still checked in on Yu Hao and still cared about him. And he did.

He still imagined discussions they could have, food they could eat, places they could go to… in a way, Yu Hao was still part of his life.

“Yeah… it was pretty nerve-wracking.” Yu Hao looked like he wanted to change the subject. “But how are you?”

Zi Xuan wanted to be honest.

He wanted to say that he probably regretted the break-up, that he still loved Yu Hao, that he was the most depressed he’d even been and that talking to him tonight felt like he could breathe again.

He wanted to tell him how sad, lonely and absolutely miserable he’d been, how he burnt most of the food he tried to cook, how he sometimes forgot to go to class in favor of staying in bed in a sleep-like condition.

How he sometimes forgot to eat, or drink, for a whole day.

How his life didn’t seem like it was worth living anymore, not without him.

“I’m fine,” he declared instead, a small smile playing on his lips.

The silent came back, more deafening that before, sometimes interrupted by them sipping their herbal tea.

When it was done, Yu Hao took their cups to the sink to rinse them. Zi Xuan watched his back move as he was working, and suddenly felt tears flood his eyes.

In an instant, he had stood up, came behind Yu Hao’s back, and hugged it.

Yu Hao let down the cup he was holding, and put his hands on his.

“I miss you,” Zi Xuan admitted, “I don’t think I can do it without you.”

Yu Hao stayed silent for a while, and then turned to look into his eyes. He was crying too, looking the same as when Zi Xuan had first rejected him, all those years ago.

But now, he wasn’t rejecting him, not ever again. If he took him back, Zi Xuan would never complain or be sad ever again.

“I miss you too.” It was said in a whisper, right before Yu Hao kissed him in the half-passionate, half-soft way he was so good at.

They could taste each other’s salty tears, but kept kissing, and kissing, and kissing again.

He tried to unbutton Yu Hao’s shirt, but he stopped him with shaking hands.

“Let’s not do something we regret.”

“I won’t regret it,” he assured. “Yu Hao, I love you so much.”

That made the other cry again, kissing him again, more roughly this time. “I love you too, Zi Xuan, so much.”

It was said in a sob, followed by Yu Hao’s going up to his shirt and unbuttoning it in a record time.

They ended up in their bed, the one they’d made love in so many times before.

This time was different, though. It was tinted with a feeling that it was the last time.

And because it was, it changed things. Maybe it was all the abstinence from the past few months, but Zi Xuan had never felt as good as that day.

Once it was done, they both laid in silence on their old bed, before Zi Xuan dared to hug Yu Hao.

The other boy hugged him back like there was no tomorrow, and, for a moment, Zi Xuan wanted it to be true.

If he died, at that moment, he’d be happy.

 

 

He woke up early because he had forgotten to draw the curtains before falling asleep.

The bright light in his sleepy eyes only made his headache worse, but, once he realized Yu Hao was still sleeping, everything felt better.

He was afraid the man would’ve left, leaving a note asking him to never contact him again. Zi Xuan was not sure if he could do that.

He got up from the bed, and decided to prepare Yu Hao a delicious breakfast in bed.

Sure, Zi Xuan had never been the best cook, but he really wanted to try and please Yu Hao, for once.

He cooked american pancakes, and only burned one of them. He also prepared homemade hot chocolate with real pieces of chocolate.

Yu Hao got out of the room right when everything was hot and ready for consumption. Zi Xuan smiled lovingly, while putting everything on their small table.

“Right on time. Breakfast is served!” he announced. He felt particularly cheery.

Yu Hao, though, looked slightly surprised at his happy attitude.

Them having sex again felt like a step back. Yu Hao knew it would take him forever to get over Zi Xuan, and now he had to start the process all over again.

He loved the man in front of him, more than anyone, but he also would never let go of volleyball.

Zi Xuan would then always be unhappy in his company, and while Yu Hao wanted to be with him forever, he didn’t see himself forcing him to date him when it would make him sad.

It had hurt him, to realize that his presence was making the love of his life miserable.

And it was also exactly why them making love had been a mistake.

“It’s pretty good, uh?” asked Zi Xuan, getting him out of his thoughts.

“Yeah,” he agreed with a small smile.

God, he wanted to be with him so bad. But it couldn’t happen.

Zi Xuan put his hand on his, a loving smile forming on his lips.

“Yu Hao… I’m so happy to have you back in my life.”

The volleyball player lost his uncomfortable smile, and felt a somber mood falling on his shoulders.

“Zi Xuan...” he tried.

“I love you so much, Yu Hao, and I’m ready to do everything for you. Let’s get back together.”

Yu Hao retracted his hand from where it was sitting under Zi Xuan’s, trying to put a little distance between them.

The look on his lover’s face… honestly shattered his heart.

“Zi Xuan, we can’t get back together.”

“Why not?” He was panicking, it was clear by the way his breath felt short and his eyes got big. “I love you, and you love me!”

“It’s not enough.”

He had now stood up, wanting to escape the situation, but Zi Xuan followed him and took his hand in his, getting really close to him.

In that position, Yu Hao had to collect all of his self-control in order not to kiss him again.

“You’ll always be unhappy with me,” he tried to reason, “and I won’t quit my career.”

“It’s okay!” exclaimed Zi Xuan, desperate. “I’m more unhappy without you than with you.”

Yu Hao had to laugh at that, cold tears rolling on his cheeks. “You realize what you’re saying? You’re basically choosing whichever situation hurts you the least, and in the end it still hurts you.”

Zi Xuan, stayed silent, incapable of saying anything for a while.

“I can’t be with you knowing that I make you miserable…” he continued. “The pain from our break-up might be greater now than the pain you felt when we were together, but at least it will fade away. If we’re a couple again, that pain will stay the same forever.”

Zi Xuan was now sobbing, still holding onto his hand while Yu Hao tried drying his incoming tears with the other.

“You said you missed me...” Zi Xuan tried.

At that moment, Yu Hao realized how huge of a mistake making love last night had been, because it had brought back their feelings for each other as strong as they once were.

He needed to say something that would make Zi Xuan give up, for his good and his own.

Yu Hao remembered the words Zi Xuan had uttered during their break-up, three months ago, and decided to say them again.

With that, maybe they could have a clear-cut break-up, once and for all, and Zi Xuan would be able to heal.

It hurt to think about them, to imagine saying them out loud, but maybe it was what they both needed.

So finally, he gathered the courage to say them, these 5 insignificant letters that, at that moment, meant so much:

“I lied.”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t know what came over to me, but I felt so depressed while writing this whole fic. Zi Xuan and Yu Hao are probably my favorite couple and I don’t know why I wanted to hurt them, me and the whole fandom by writing this. So I apologize haha, but at the same time I feel like Zi Xuan feeling jealous of Yu Hao volleyball career could be a plausible thing. Anyways, I’m sorry but enjoy! To compensate I wrote a romantic and cheesy fic for this couple that is coming really soon!


	2. I didn't

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Six years after their break up, Zi Xuan meets Yu Hao again. Isn’t it time to rekindle their love?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to do a fix it chapter to my own fic haha, so here it is. I hope you enjoy it!
> 
> All of my fics and more are available on tumblr @ piningbisexuals :)

“Yu Hao asked about you the other night,” declared Cheng En during their weekly get-together.

Zi Xuan just looked at him with the usual funny look. “You tell me the same thing every 6 months.”

“Well, because it’s true! Every time I catch up with the guy I can feel that he only cares about what I tell him about you.”

Zi Xuan huffed, blushing a little bit. “That’s not true. Besides, he has a new boyfriend.”

Cheng En smiled triumphantly. “That’s the thing, they already broke up!”

Xiao Xiao finally intervened, putting down her glass loudly on the table. “Cheng En, are you still trying to get them back together?! It’s been a decade already!”

“Only 6 years,” he replied, putting a soothing hand on his wife’s shoulder, “and we both know those two are soulmates. Zi Xuan has moved on and become an amazing man, Yu Hao has moved on and become also amazing, it’s time for them to be amazing together!”

“Cheng En...” she sighed, giving Zi Xuan an apologetic glance. “You’re making him uncomfortable.”

“Don’t worry Xiao Xiao, I’m used to this idiot putting his foot in his mouth,” Zi Xuan laughed.

 

 

 

It had been almost six years since their breakup, but it felt like more. It’s crazy how the first year without Yu Hao had been the most horrible of his life, but how now it felt like decades had passed.

Zi Xuan still thought about him, of course, after all he had been his first love. But, instead of being tinted with sadness, it had become tainted with peaceful melancholia.

In the last six years, Zi Xuan had really put himself back together.

After a couple of years unsatisfied with his first job, he had decided out of nowhere to become a high school volleyball coach. It had seemed completely crazy, at the time. His parents had been worried about his income, too, but after a week of teaching passionate kids like he had been, he’d realized that’s where he was supposed to be.

Sure, his small income didn’t allow him much, but he would never trade a better income for his happiness.

During that time, he had also rekindled his precious friendship with He Cheng En, and created a way stronger one with Xiao Xiao. That had helped him get through the two years he spent in an unfulfilling job before quitting. Now, they saw each other every week for dinner and Zi Xuan was also their first child’s godfather.

As for dating… Zi Xuan had tried his hand at it, but nothing had really stuck. After a while, he had decided to let time do its thing. If he was meant to stay single forever, then he’d accept it.

His job had given him purpose: last year, his best student had made it into the Taiwanese regional team. It was a great pride to Zi Xuan who often talked about it as his favorite moment as a coach so far. Of course, he had many, but that student, in a way, had reminded him so much of Yu Hao. His victory was also Zi Xuan’s.

Now that his 30th birthday was a few months away, Zi Xuan didn’t feel scared or sad at all. He still remembers how he used to fear being 30 during his early twenties, up until he hit his 28th birthday and became wiser. Now he was just happy to celebrate his birthday with his loved ones, no matter the age showcased on the candles.

 

 

 

The fact that Zi Xuan was teaching in their old high school had been a topic of friendly jokes from Cheng En for a while (‘you really didn’t want to leave high school, uh?’), but he had never expected it to also be the reason why he would see Yu Hao again.

To be honest, he thought he would never see him again in real life, or maybe when they’d be 70 and too old to even get along anymore. He didn’t expect the school Principal to pressure him to it, though.

“Listen, I was looking at old pictures of the volleyball club and saw that you were in many pictures with Xia Yu Hao. That’s amazing! He’s such a star, and you seemed to be really good friends! Could you maybe try to make him come to the school to meet the kids? It would be great publicity for your volleyball club.”

“I don’t know… He’s very busy and we haven’t talked in years...”

“Hey, all I’m saying is you should try! That’d be so great for the kids.”

And because he really liked those kids and knew how much they idolized Yu Hao, not at all because he wanted to see him again, Zi Xuan accepted.

 

 

 

“Could you give me Yu Hao’s number please?” he had asked to Xiao Xiao the next time he saw her.

Before she could take out her phone though, Cheng En appeared from the kitchen.

“Ah! I knew it! You want him back!” he shouted, pointing at him with a huge grin. “He still has his old number, you don’t need to ask her.”

“Our school’s Principal wants me to bring him to the school to meet the kids, don’t get your mind twisted,” Zi Xuan’s face felt warm.

He did still have Yu Hao’s number, never having gathered the strength to delete it.

“Uh uh… you also want that boy back!”

Zi Xuan rolled his eyes but didn’t feel like arguing all night with the man who knew him the most on earth.

 

 

 

During dinner that night, Zi Xuan drank a little too much, trying to gather the courage to call Yu Hao again. He was scared he wouldn’t answer, or worse, hang up on him. Still, maybe it was the wine, but after a few minutes of contemplation, he finally found the courage to press dial.

The tone rang once, twice, and then it stopped.

“Hello?”

Zi Xuan couldn’t believe he was hearing that voice again. He felt a smile break out on his face, hands trembling slightly.

“Hello?” the same voice asked again, getting him out of his trance.

“Yu Hao, hello,” he finally uttered. “This is Zi Xuan, hum, this is very awkward,” he laughed, feeling silly.

Yu Hao was laughing too on the other side of the line. He hadn’t hung up yet. “Hi. How are you?”

“I’m great. What about you?”

“I’m okay.”

“I was surprised to learn from Xiao Xiao that you still keep the same number after all those years. I have changed mine as you might’ve noticed. I was forced to do it when I changed phones a few years ago.”

“Yeah, I noticed.”

Zi Xuan had to mark a pause at that. What did it mean? Had Yu Hao tried to call him after he changed his number and wasn’t able to reach him? Zi Xuan’s heart was beating a little fast.

“O-okay. So, the reason I’m calling you is because I now work as a volleyball coach in our old school,” he started, finally getting to the point.

“Yeah I heard,” he could hear the joy emanating from Yu Hao’s voice when he said that. It warmed his heart. “That’s incredible, Zi Xuan. I wasn’t even surprised actually, I always thought you’d make the most amazing coach.”

Now Zi Xuan was blushing from his ex-boyfriend’s smooth words.

“Thank you, I really love it. But well you remember our Principal, he’s kind of a pushover. He asked me to ask you if you would mind coming to the school for an event. The Principal wants you to do a speech in front a the whole school praising how it helped you develop your volleyball skills and then I thought you could meet the kids on the volleyball team. I know you’re really busy and this very random and you have nothing to get out of this but -”

“I’ll do it.”

Zi Xuan stopped on his tracks. “Uh?”

“Zi Xuan, this sounds fun. This will also give us a chance to see each other again.”

Zi Xuan felt breathless. Yu Hao wanted to see him again? Ever since the last time they’d seen each other, he’d been so sure that Yu Hao would never want to see his face again. Hell, Zi Xuan had persuaded himself that Yu Hao hated him, asking about him to Cheng En and Xiao Xiao just to be polite. Did he think about Zi Xuan as often as he thought about him? Maybe Zi Xuan had been wrong all along.

“Okay, great.” he finally uttered, “When can you come?”

 

 

 

They had decided that Yu Hao would be coming the next Friday, on one of his rare day free. The volleyball team came together at 5 pm, and the Principal had arranged Yu Hao’s speech to be at 4 so he’d have time to say his speech.

At 3, Zi Xuan was already feeling nervous, wondering if it had been a good idea to invite him. Sure, it would make the students really happy, but would it make Zi Xuan happy? He was afraid it would make the whole situation worse.

It was at 3:30 that he received a call from Yu Hao, saying he was outside. The Principal had suggested that he should park on the other side of the building to avoid being seen by too many people. Yu Hao had laughed at that.

“Does he think I’m a celebrity? I’m not. Volleyball isn’t that popular.”

So here he was, parked right at the front of the school, phone in hand, waiting for him. He looked good, as he always did. He had even more muscles than before, and wore a slight stubble along his face. He looked older, as did Zi Xuan. Time had passed so fast.

Zi Xuan observed him for a few minutes before finally walking towards him, making his presence known.

Yu Hao smiled when he spotted him, and walked a few steps towards him.

They came to a stop in front of each other, not knowing what to do. A hug was too casual. A handshake was too formal and erased all the history between them. Zi Xuan settled for a friendly hand on the shoulder.

“Hi, thanks for coming. The kids are going to go crazy when they see you.”

“Hi,” Yu Hao said softly, almost in a whisper. “I’m happy to be here.”

As they were walking towards the Principal’s office, Zi Xuan felt the need to fill the silence with chatter. “I’ve made them watch all the National Team matches. You’re their favorite player. Especially since I told them that you used to be a student here.”

“That’s cute,” he smiled. “I can’t wait to meet them.”

 

“Xia Yu Hao!” the Principal exclaimed, shaking his hand very enthusiastically. “How you’ve changed! I still remember the bad stunts you pulled! Your success shows that even the baddest students can make something of themselves!” He laughed loudly, hitting his shoulder playfully.

“Okay, let’s take coffee together! We’ll have to go to the gymnasium at 4. Zi Xuan, would you mind…?”

Zi Xuan nodded, going out of the door quickly. He usually hated to be treated like an errand boy by the Principal, but in that case he appreciated it. Being close to Yu Hao brought buried things to the surface again. A little breather was needed.

He came back with coffees a few minutes later, claiming he had to go get the gymnasium ready for the students who would start coming in.

He had already stripped the gymnasium from the volleyball nets and other sports equipment and took his time to install the mic on his stand and do some sound tests before the first students started pouring in, sitting down on the floor of this small school’s gymnasium.

A few seconds after the clock indicated 4 pm, the Principal entered, followed by Yu Hao. Zi Xuan recognized the nervous ticks Yu Hao had since they first met. It was endearing for a guy whose whole career depended on his sport performances to be nervous to talk in front of teenagers.

The Principal started talking into the microphone:

“Hello, I’m happy to see all of our classes here. As you know today is a very special day. I have invited Xiao Yu Hao, a professional volleyball player who is in our national team. And even better than that, he used to be a student here. Now, I’m not going to lie, he gave me a lot of trouble! But as you can see he cleaned up nicely. So please take him as an example to be hardworking students of our school!”

After his short introductory speech, he gave the mic to Yu Hao and went to sit with the other teachers.

“Thank you, Principal. I am very happy to be here. So yeah, it’s true that I used to be a troublemaker, I even got expelled from my first high school for fighting. I didn’t really care for anything, I didn’t know what I wanted to do later in life, until I came to this school my junior year. It all seems like fate, a little bit. I was forced by the team’s captain, who’s still a friend of mine, and a teacher to join the volleyball team. At first, I didn’t really care for it, but thanks to the student who managed the whole team, your teacher Qiu Zi Xuan,” all the heads turned to Zi Xuan who felt himself blush.

Yu Hao laughed a bit. “Sorry for putting the attention on you.” Zi Xuan shook his head with a smile.

“Well, thanks to him and the incredible support I got from the team, I started really liking volleyball. It was during my senior year that I realized I wanted to do this for the rest of my life. I thought I’d get a sports degree in university and become a personal coach in a gym or a volleyball coach in a school. I didn’t think I’d get into the regional team during my first year of university, and then the national team at the beginning of my third year. It all went by so fast, and it still feels crazy all these years later.”

Zi Xuan looked at the students in the crowd. They all looked interested in what Yu Hao was saying, which wasn’t unsurprising since they, too, had dreams they hoped to accomplish.

“Look, I don’t want to give you the classic speech of ‘you can do everything as you long as you put in the work’ because you’ve heard it a million times. What I wanna say is this: believe in fate. Even if something you put your heart into doesn’t work out, don’t let it discourage you. Believe that everything happens for a reason. At the end of the road, if you do put in the work, if you do believe in yourself, fate will do the rest. Trust that you will end up somewhere where you feel happy. It might not be what you had imagined, like my own career. When I was 16 my secret dream was to become a millionaire.” The audience laughed, including Zi Xuan. “When I was 18, it was to become a sports coach and live forever with my lover.”

Zi Xuan felt his heart stop. It hurt to hear him say that, even though he had imagined the same thing at his age. “When I was 25, my goal was to stay in the national team for as long as possible, and it’s still my goal today at 29. Goals change, and it’s okay. A life is long, you’ll change aims and you’ll change yourself. But trust me, believe in fate. Everything happens for a reason.”

The kids and Principal next to him were clapping, getting Zi Xuan out of his trance. The Principal got up and went to the mic again.

“That was very inspirational! You better follow his advice!” He exclaimed with a smile. “Now, let’s have half an hour of questions. Who wants to go first?”

Most of the Q&A was a little boring, and Zi Xuan went back to his nostalgia trip caused by Yu Hao’s words. Suddenly, the Principal was fuming next to him, getting him out of his torpor.

A student was asking a question. It was one of the sophomore students in his team.

“Hi, uh, I just want to thank you for being the first openly gay volleyball player in Taiwan. It was really brave of you and personally influenced me a lot.”

“Shit!” whispered the Principal next to him. The atmosphere had shifted in the gymnasium.

“So I wanted to ask you what inspired you to come out. And if the public response hasn’t been too hard on you.”

Yu Hao had initially looked pretty uncomfortable, but when it was his turn to speak he just smiled to the student and answered: “Well first of all thank you. I only came out four years ago, and it was for a few reasons. Before that I had been single for quite a while so I didn’t really care that people didn’t know about my sexuality. But when I started dating another man, it got hard for him and for me to hide it. I didn’t want my career to hinder my relationship.”

Zi Xuan had to swallow his own saliva at those words, feeling incredibly hurt by them because Yu Hao’s career had hindered their relationship. But he quickly reminded that coming out and quitting his career altogether wasn’t the same thing.

“So I came out. And it felt amazing. As for people’s response, only one of my team members had really a problem with it but he never let it affect our game. He retired a year later so I didn’t really care. As for the media and the public, they’ve been overwhelmingly on my side. Sure, I have to deal with a few homophobes once in a while but I’ve learned not to pay attention to it anymore.”

The kids were clapping again, as well as all the teachers including Zi Xuan. Only the Principal was sitting there, frowning, before Zi Xuan reminded him that it was time to end the Q&A.

After Yu Hao had taken a picture with all the kids and teachers, it was time for them to go. Yu Hao excused himself to the bathroom and Zi Xuan proposed to show him where it was.

“Was I okay?” he said once they were out of the busy gymnasium.

“You were great,” Zi Xuan smiled. “The Principal wasn’t happy about you discussing your sexuality but fuck it, it was such an important message to pass. The student who asked the question is in the volleyball club so you will see him when we go back into the gymnasium. I had no idea he was part of the LGBT community, though.”

“With that haircut? Please,” Yu Hao joked.

“Yu Hao!” Zi Xuan exclaimed, still laughing.

“What? I’m allowed to say it, I’m gay too.”

“If you say so,” he smiled. “Here it is. Will you find your way back? I gotta unplug the mic before my kids pull out a stupid stunt.”

“Sure.”

 

Ten minutes later, Yu Hao was there again and the students on the volleyball team were rushing to see him. They were the only ones left, and spent an hour talking with him, taking pictures and they even all played a very short one on one with him.

When it was 6, Zi Xuan had to end it so they could go home.

“Are you all going to be okay going home? I can drive you if you missed your bus or your parents can’t take you.”

“No, thanks coach! Bye mister Xia Yu Hao!”

When there were only the both of them left in front of the school’s gate, Zi Xuan turned to look at Yu Hao.

“Thank you for coming. You just made their whole month.”

“Thank you for inviting me. It was a lot of fun.”

He seemed to hesitate a while, and they both stood like awkward idiots in silence for a long minute.

“You can totally say no if you don’t want to...” Yu Hao finally started, “But it’d be nice to catch up with each other. Do you wanna… go for a drink?”

“Right now?”

“Yeah.”

It was probably a bad idea to rekindle anything now, but Zi Xuan didn’t think before saying: “Sure.”

 

 

 

They went to a bar nearby where Zi Xuan went to with his colleagues from time to time. It was pretty small and inexpensive, which probably wouldn’t fit Yu Hao’s rich taste now, but he seemed happy enough to go there.

Once their drinks arrived in front of them, they realized they had to start talking.

“How are you?” Yu Hao wondered.

“I’m great. I’ve got the big 30th birthday coming.”

“Yeah, it’s in a month and a half. How do you feel about it?”

“Strangely, very peaceful. You know, I just feel like I’ve found my place, where I belong. Even though my parents wanted me to get a higher paying job, I love teaching more than anything.”

“Yeah, you seem like such a dad to your students,” Yu Hao smiled. “They love you a lot too, that’s for sure.”

“Yeah, it’s hard to let them go after 3 years because I’m so attached to them but I’m slowly getting used to it,” he laughed softly. “How are you?”

“I’m fine. A little tired. We’re training for the World Tournament that’s coming in 6 months and it’s hard. I’m getting old.”

Zi Xuan rolled his eyes. “If you’re old, then what am I?”

“No, I mean in the sports world. I don’t plan on retiring before I’m at least 35, maybe 40, so I hate to feel like I’ve already got trouble catching up with the younger players.”

“You’ll be fine. You’ve even become greater as the years pass.”

Yu Hao looked moved. “Thanks, that means a lot. How is your knee?”

Zi Xuan felt surprise, hearing that. His knee had been a somehow important part of their relationship, but now Zi Xuan barely thought of it during the day.

“It’s fine. I work out to keep in shape and do special exercises but it barely cramps up anymore. To be honest, I sometimes forget about it.”

“I’m so happy to hear that.”

When they got out of the bar, the sky was pitch black. They walked back to the school to get to their cars and didn’t run out of things to tell each other. In fact, they had barely scratched the surface.

“Listen,” Yu Hao asked once they were in front of Zi Xuan’s car. “It might sound weird but I’d like to see you again. I’m not flirting or anything,” he laughed nervously. “But we get along well. If you want… we could grab lunch or dinner some day.”

“That sounds great,” Zi Xuan smiled. “Besides, we were friends first.”

“That’s true. I’ll call you.”

 

 

 

He didn’t expect Yu Hao to ever call him again. Sure, the evening they had spent together had been nice, but sometimes people pretended to enjoy it more than they actually did. He had thought that maybe Yu Hao had just wanted to be polite, and he wouldn’t have been sad if he never called him again.

But he did, though, a mere 5 days after they had seen each other again. Yu Hao invited him to a fancy restaurant two days later, which would hurt Zi Xuan’s lean wallet, but he accepted nonetheless.

They met at 7, right after Yu Hao’s training that day. He had put on a nice shirt that complemented his figure and was waiting patiently by the table.

“Hey,” Zi Xuan said, sitting across from him the table. “Hope you didn’t wait too long.”

“I just got here. I chose this place because it’s not too far from my gymnasium, and I didn’t want you to wait for me too long,” he smiled.

They ordered quickly, Zi Xuan choosing the cheapest thing on the menu (which was still far too expensive) while Yu Hao didn’t seem to care one bit, also ordering an expensive bottle of wine.

Once it got to them, he served the both of them while asking: “So how are you today?”

“A little tired. I mean, Fridays are always exhausting, but this one student had a bad fight with his friend during my PE class. It reminded me of Jia Jun and you,” he joked.

Yu Hao laughed, before taking a sip of wine. “Yeah, we were so stupid. I kept calling him ‘shorty’ when he was basically the same height as me,” he laughed again. “So what was the reason of their fight?”

“I think it was about some girl, or at least that’s what the other kids told me. The two fighters wouldn’t say a word to me.”

“So basic,” Yu Hao mocked. “Maybe the girl doesn’t even want either of them.”

“Yeah I think they’re fighting for her because she rejected them both and they want to prove who’s the superior one.”

“Oof, that’s fucked up.”

“That’s what I told them, but I don’t think they listened,” Zi Xuan shook his head in disappointment. “Sorry for talking about work, how are you? Still exhausted?”

“Even more,” he smiled. “But we’re having 3 days off in a few days and I can’t wait. I’m going to sleep for three consecutive days.”

Zi Xuan laughed. “How is your mom, by the way?”

“She’s great, actually. She’s dating again, 20 years after my dad left us. She met this great guy at work and they really hit it off. They’ve been together for 2 years and he recently asked me for my blessing.”

“He’s going to propose?! Awww, that’s great!” Zi Xuan exclaimed. “Your mom truly deserves it, she’s a fantastic woman.”

Zi Xuan had always gotten along very well with Yu Hao’s mom, which had made their sudden and definite break up even harder. She was like a second family to him, and he lost that too in the break up.

“I’ll tell her you said that.” Yu Hao replied. “How’s your family? Did Qian Ru finally find her match?”

Zi Xuan shook his head with a small smile. “I think she’s on boyfriend 36? My mom and I have started counting them once she went to college. I think they’ll break up next week, she’s never been for a boy more than a month.”

“You never know, maybe he’s her match.”

“Yeah, no, she told me she wanted to break up,” Zi Xuan chuckled.

“Ah, shit. Well she’ll find him one day.”

“She better, our parents are starting to despair. About them, they’re okay. Their love is still going strong, which is surprising with the numbers of divorces, but I think they’ll be together forever.”

“That’s great. They definitely deserve it.”

Yu Hao insisted to pay the bill that night, which encouraged Zi Xuan to invite him out to eat another time so they could be quits.

 

 

 

After that, they ended up seeing each other every week, going shopping on Yu Hao’s day off, or seeing each other for dinner or a drink. In a record time, they had become friends like they’d never been before, feeling the need to catch up with each other every week. The same need Zi Xuan had with Cheng En and Xiao Xiao, only even stronger.

It went on for a month, where they saw each other 6 or 7 times, before Yu Hao invited him to his apartment.

He lived in a fancy one, which was not surprising, but Zi Xuan was more focused on the fact that he was inside his home. That meant their friendship was official. Someone’s home was their safe place, they often didn’t invite people they didn’t like in it.

“Nice home,” Zi Xuan complimented.

“Thanks,” Yu Hao replied while serving them some fancy alcohol. “Rumor has it that this building also lodges Jack, the super hot actor that plays in all these action movies. According to my neighbor, a sweet old lady, he lives at the last floor and even bought the place. I personally only rent it.”

“That’s pretty cool, Qian Ru has the biggest crush on him. If I told her you lived in the same building she’d lose her shit.”

“Well, according the my same sweet old lady neighbor, she’s seen him awfully close to another young man,” Yu Hao replied, eyebrows raised in a gossipy manner.

“So you mean… he’s into men?” Zi Xuan was surprised. “That’s crazy, I’d never have imagined him with another guy.”

“Well you don’t look like you’re into men either, for that matter,” he mocked.

Zi Xuan huffed. “As if you weren’t the straightest gay ever.”

“Me?!” exclaimed Yu Hao, gasping, “I wear my feelings on my sleeves. Every guy I’ve ever liked has known it before I did.” He then marked a pause, a little shy. “Except you of course, you were so oblivious about my feelings. Such an asshole about it too.”

“Hey, I was young and dumb okay?” Zi Xuan smiled. “I mean I definitely already knew I liked you but I was freaked out about it. And then you kiss me out of nowhere and all these plans of not thinking about love before university go out of the window… I admit I reacted like shit, but I already apologized a thousand times, didn’t I?”

Yu Hao was now beaming, the softest smile displayed across his lips.

“You did, don’t worry.”

They fell silent for a while. They had talked about pretty much everything over the past month, catching up with the 6 years they had spent apart. The only topic they hadn’t gone in dept into was dating. Maybe because it would mean that they had truly moved on from each other.

“So...” Zi Xuan finally said, “How’s dating been?”

Yu Hao seemed surprised by his question, but finally answered: “I’m sure you’ve heard it all from that nosy Cheng En already.”

“Not really,” he lied. “I just know that you’ve been recently single, that’s it.”

“Yeah...” he sighed. “He didn’t last long. We dated 6 months, but we didn’t match that well. We ended it together actually.”

“Tell me more, I want to know,” Zi Xuan asked, genuinely curious now.

“Well, after our break up, I stayed single for a while. I dated few guys casually, but nothing stuck until this one guy. A law student. I liked him a lot. We dated for about a year before I decided to come out to my volleyball team. He cheated on me a year later.”

“Shit.”

“Yeah, shit,” he laughed, still visibly sad about it. “Then I stopped dating for a year after that, focused on my career. But after that I dated another guy for about a year, but he hated my busy schedule and we broke up because of that. And then the last guy, who as I said just wasn’t made for me.”

“Well you’ll find someone soon,” Zi Xuan replied, trying to cheer up the mood.

Yu Hao’s head shot up and looked at him, surprised, before smiling sweetly. “Maybe I will. But what about you? Do you have someone?”

“If I did I would’ve talked about it already,” he fake pouted, making the other man laugh. “Well I’ve dated around a few people. At first I wanted to stay off men altogether.”

Yu Hao choked on his food, laughing. “Really?”

“Yeah, that was pretty dumb of me,” he put his head in his hand in a sign of shame.

“So I first dated a few girls, each for about 3 months, once I turned 25. Then I swore off dating for an entire year, and that’s when I made the switch to become a teacher so I focused all my time and energy on that. Then I met a guy at a bar I went to with my colleagues and we dated for 6 months on and off. He was 21, so pretty young for me and didn’t want anything serious. After him I dated a few people very shortly, and then I apparently just stopped meeting people because I’ve been single for more than year,” he joked.

“Wow, well you’re popular,” Yu Hao declared. “Maybe you’ll find the right person soon.”

Zi Xuan let himself imagine what that would feel like, to be truly loved again.

All his relationships since Yu Hao had been so short that they had never gotten to the ‘I love you’ part. The only person he had truly loved had been Yu Hao, the only relationship that really changed him was with Yu Hao, so, even though he didn’t want to, Zi Xuan let himself imagine a relationship with a new Yu Hao, one he didn’t have all this history and baggage with.

And it all seemed really good. If only it could be real, if only he could meet another Yu Hao…

But he couldn’t. All he had was the same Yu Hao, and it was better to be friends than to be nothing at all. One thing was sure, they would never be together again.

 

 

 

“You’ve been seeing him an awful lot lately,” smiled Cheng En, sipping on his glass of wine.

“Keep your comments to yourself,” Xiao Xiao scolded him.

“Don’t worry,” Zi Xuan replied, before turning to his best friend. “Well, we get along very well. We were friends before we started dating, mind you.”

“Oh yeah...” Cheng En pretended to be in deep thought. “It’s true that you were friends for like 3 months before dating for more than 4 years, what a great friendship it must have been!”

Zi Xuan sighed. Cheng En always knew what to say to destroy his confidence.

“Look, I’m sorry, it’s just that I’m really happy that you’re back in each other’s lives,” he said, a hand on Zi Xuan’s shoulder. “In fact, your birthday is in 10 days. You should invite him.”

“I was thinking about it...” he admitted.

“Xiao Xiao, say something!” Cheng En begged his wife.

“As much as I like disagreeing with my husband, I agree with him for once. You’ve been seeing him more often than you see us, that means that there’s something between you. Friendship, love, whatever. But I think you’ll enjoy his presence on your birthday.”

“You’re right,” he nodded.

 

 

 

“So, are you excited for your birthday?”

That week, they were going to the mall because Zi Xuan wanted to buy a new shirt for his birthday party and Yu Hao had the afternoon off.

“Yeah,” he smiled. “It’s in a week and I’m feeling pretty peaceful. I mean, 30 is a big number, but I’m ready to embrace it.”

“Well you should,” Yu Hao agreed. “Will you see your family?”

“Yeah, I’m having lunch with my entire extended family as always. As for the night, I’m having a small get-together with Cheng En and Xiao Xiao and a few other friends.”

Yu Hao nodded as they entered the first store.

“Speaking of which, would you like to come?” Zi Xuan offered. “We’ll have to endure Cheng En incessant innuendos about our relationships, but it’d be nice to have you here.”

Yu Hao’s smile had never been brighter. “Thank you, I’d love to.”

As Zi Xuan was looking at a few shirts, Yu Hao spoke again. “You know, I’m really happy that we’re close again. I know we didn’t break up on the best terms...”

“Yeah,” Zi Xuan agreed, “the last time we saw each other was rough. At the time, we were just stuck in the wrong situation, weren’t we?”

“Yeah, it was pretty heartbreaking. And our last night together… made it even harder.”

“I know,” he agreed. “At the time I hated you for giving me hope, but I see now that it’s for the best that we broke up. Love can’t fix everything. Besides, now we can be friends and I don’t envy your career at all.”

“Really?” Yu Hao seemed a little chocked.

“What, you thought I was hanging out with you now while still being jealous of you?” Zi Xuan exclaimed.

“Not really, but I still thought it made you uncomfortable.”

“Yu Hao,” he turned to face him, looking him square in the eyes. “When we were living together and spending all our time together, when I was still young and insecure and I was doubting my future, yes, I was envious of you. It hurt me so much to see you succeed where I could’ve too, if my body hadn’t failed me.”

He marked a pause, put a shirt in his basket.

“Now, though, I know who I am, and what I’m meant to do. I’m happy. I’m my own person without you. And being near you doesn’t hurt me anymore.”

Yu Hao was looking down at his feet for a while. He finally looked at Zi Xuan, eyes glimmering under the artificial lights.

“I’m so glad to hear that. I was definitely too dependent on you too. I’ve also learned to become my own person. The conditions are better now.”

Zi Xuan nodded, a small smile playing across his lips.

 

 

 

Zi Xuan’s birthday was on a Saturday for once, leaving him the day to prepare. He cleaned his whole apartment, prepared the snacks that could be done in advance, and tried about 10 different outfits for the evening.

He was nervous that Yu Hao was coming that night. Cheng En’s words had started to really take form in his mind, leaving behind a million question marks.

It was suspect of them to be friends, especially after the rocky relationship they had. But Zi Xuan would accept it, being close to Yu Hao again was enough. Especially since they were both so different now.

The first guests arrived at 7 pm sharp, Cheng En’s humor and easy-going attitude relaxing all of the guests and making them in the right mood to party.

Yu Hao had arrived with flowers. He looked really dapper in a silk black shirt and expensive jeans. He looked different from all of the other times Zi Xuan had seen him recently, more guarded, more shy. It felt weird.

The party was awesome. Cheng En made every guest feel at home, Zi Xuan’s cooking was celebrated for once and Yu Hao became the star of the night.

Because Cheng En and Xiao Xiao had invited many friends, the night went by really quickly. Zi Xuan made an effort to chat with every single guest, including Yu Hao who was swept away from him by an apparent fan a minute later, but he ended up spending most of his time dancing while being hyped up by Cheng En.

It was a strange concept for him, to be dancing in front of everyone. But fuck it, he was 30 now, and if he wanted to publicly humiliate himself with his best friend in front of 20 guests, he would do it.

He had barely drank any alcohol, too. Usually he would need some liquid courage, but tonight he felt invigorated. Even Yu Hao’s gaze on his back couldn’t make him stop.

An hour before midnight, Xiao Xiao brought the birthday cake, and everyone started singing. Xiao Xiao with her beautiful singing voice, Cheng En with his loud and horrifying one and the rest of the guests somewhere in between. Zi Xuan was focused on only one person though.

While the other guests were singing to each other rather than directly at Zi Xuan, Yu Hao’s eyes were attached to him. They were tinted with a few things: affection, happiness, and melancholia.

Zi Xuan still remembered all the birthdays he had celebrated with Yu Hao, all the private nights they had spent in the room they shared eating the greatest food they could afford and opening his way too expensive gifts.

Zi Xuan had to admit that he missed those birthdays. Each were so sweet and special. Now most of his birthdays were blurred together, though this one, his thirtieth, would stand out as very memorable.

People started leaving at midnight. After all, most of them were married by now, some with kids, and their family life was now the most important thing. Zi Xuan didn’t blame them.

 

After a while, there only were Cheng En, Xiao Xiao and Yu Hao left, all chatting happily on his couch. Cheng En and Xiao Xiao had drank too much, their faces all red and speeches slurred. Yu Hao seemed fine.

“Cheng En,” Xiao Xiao said, hitting him with her elbow. “We should leave. The babysitter is waiting for us.”

“Hm,” her husband nodded, struggling to stand up before helping her out. “Happy birthday to my best friend in the world!” He shouted, falling into a hug with Zi Xuan.

“Thank you,” he replied, feeling moved. He truly had the best friends. “I love you guys.”

It was Xiao Xiao’s turn to hug him. “We love you too, Zi Xuan.”

“Bye bye!” They both said to Yu Hao before going.

 

After closing the door, Zi Xuan turned to look at Yu Hao. While he had relaxed during the night, he seemed nervous again all of sudden. Zi Xuan’s gaze got caught on the flowers he had offered him.

“Shit! I forgot to put them in a vase!” He exclaimed.

He went over to the cabinet where he stored all sorts of things, including the one and only vase he owned, offered by his mother a few years ago.

Zi Xuan not having received flowers since his break up with Yu Hao, though, never needed it and so the vase had ended up lost behind all the things in that cabinet.

After a few minutes of struggle, he brandished said vase over his head. “I found it!”

He barely had the time to put it on the ground before he felt his bent knee cramp up. He fell back on his ass, and immediately extended his leg, putting both hands on his knee to try and make it feel better.

Yu Hao, having recognized the signs from a mile away, was now next to him, pushing his hands away so he could apply pressure to the cramp.

“Do you need a hot towel on it?” He asked with urgency.

“No, it’s already starting to pass,” Zi Xuan hissed under his breath.

Soon enough, the pain disappeared, as if it was never here in the first place.

Yu Hao was still close to him, though, hands on his knee. They were less than a meter away, and it felt weirdly intimate.

Zi Xuan remembered what he had said when they first started dating:

_“_ _W_ _ill you massage my knee when it cramps up?”_

“ _Yes. I’ll even skip class to do it.”_

“ _No! You can’t skip class! I will wait for you to have a break.”_

Yu Hao had kept his promise, and for 4 years he would be here every time Zi Xuan’s knee cramped up. Until he wasn’t. And now, he was there again, in that same position he always was, panicked face and delicate hands, trying to make it better for him. Zi Xuan had missed that.

“It’s gone. Thank you.” He finally said, expecting Yu Hao to rise up, say his goodbyes and go away.

Instead, the man stayed next to him, hands on his own bent thighs.

“You scared me there,” he tried to joke.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.”

They were looking at each other now, for what felt like the first time since they had entered each other’s lives again. They had looked at each other, sure, but it felt like the first time in 6 years since they truly saw each other.

They stared for a while, the silence becoming deafening. Suddenly, Yu Hao passed a tentative hand on Zi Xuan’s cheek, who closed his eyes.

“I’m sorry if I’m overstepping your boundaries,” he heard as a whisper.

“You’re not.” He answered, eyes still shut.

“Zi Xuan… can I kiss you?”

His eyes shot open. Yu Hao was so close now, having shifted only a few centimeters away from his face.

“I’m not sure it’s the best idea. The last time -”

“The last time was a mistake.” Yu Hao interrupted, a second hand grabbing Zi Xuan’s face. “We weren’t ready to be back together yet. But now we are.”

“Are we?” His voice was trembling, weak enough to barely be heard. Everything felt too much.

“We are! Our talk last week made me realize that. We broke up because of my career, but now you’re fine with it. We dated other people but it didn’t work out. We became our own people, Zi Xuan, and now maybe it’s time to be our own people together. Not to complete each other, but to add to each other’s lives.”

“But when we had sex for the last time… You said you had lied about missing me.”

Yu Hao looked frustrated with him, his eyes getting sad. “I didn’t. Zi Xuan, I didn’t lie. I missed you. I loved you.” He caressed his cheek with his thumb. “I still do.”

Zi Xuan’s heart had almost stopped right in his chest when he heard that. He felt tears forming in his eyes.

Yu Hao continued. “I said that because I couldn’t let us get back together. No matter how much I wanted it, I knew we were doomed. But now we’re not.”

“So you lied about lying?” Zi Xuan was full on crying now.

“I’m sorry.”

It was Zi Xuan’s turn to put his hands on Yu Hao’s face. “I understand why you did it. You were right. I was delusional at the time, but I’m not now.”

He gulped, before looking in Yu Hao’s eyes again. “I’m scared that too much time has passed. Maybe we missed our opportunity.”

“Zi Xuan… Our relationship might’ve ended horribly, but 4 years of it were beautiful. In fact, they were the happiest years of my life. I saw myself with you forever.”

Zi Xuan’s smiled, face inching closer to Yu Hao’s. “Me too.”

“And I can never forget that. In my mind and in my heart, you’ll always be the man I loved the most. And I still love you, I always will. Because once you enter my heart I can’t let you go, Zi Xuan. So I know it seems to come out of nowhere, but we can take it slow. I just need to know one thing.”

“What is it?”

“Do you still love me like I love you?”

Zi Xuan smiled, peaceful. A few second earlier he had been scared shitless, but now he knew Yu Hao was right. All these attempts to be just friends over the past month and a half had been nice, but it wasn’t who they were. They had never been truly friends: there was always something more between them. And that was love.

“I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stop loving you,” he answered.

Yu Hao started laughing, happiness visible on his face, and Zi Xuan had no choice but to join him. They hugged for a while, before detaching themselves and facing each other again.

Yu Hao’s hands were back on his face.

“Then, do you accept me?”

Zi Xuan smiled. He saw Yu Hao’s face inch closer to his, trying to kiss him, but turned his face.

Yu Hao’s first response was to look heartbroken, mouth half open and shocked eyes... But then he seemed to get it, a grin displayed on his lips and twinkle in his eyes.

“You refuse me?” He asked, fake pouting.

Zi Xuan had to laugh at that, before grabbing him by the collar and kissing him. It felt different from their first kiss, and not only because of Yu Hao’s stubble. Things had changed, everything actually; perhaps for the better.

When they finally broke out for air, Zi Xuan whispered: “We can’t pretend like it’s the same relationship as six years ago. Time has passed, things have changed, and we are different. But maybe it’s for the best. I think we really have a chance this time.”

Yu Hao nodded, kissing his lips once more before getting rid of his glasses. “One thing hasn’t changed, though. Your glasses are still in the way.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I did a reference to my 'With breakfasts and homemade dinners' fic! I had to!

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t know what came over to me, but I felt so depressed while writing this whole fic. Zi Xuan and Yu Hao are probably my favorite couple and I don’t know why I wanted to hurt them, me and the whole fandom by writing this. So I apologize haha, but at the same time I feel like Zi Xuan feeling jealous of Yu Hao volleyball career could be a plausible thing. Anyways, I’m sorry but enjoy! To compensate I wrote a romantic and cheesy fic for this couple that is coming really soon!


End file.
